Becoming a Psychiatrist

I was always interested in the mysteries of our mind and our untapped potentials, why people do what they do, how to help people heal and refrain from self destructive behaviors.

When I chose to be a psychiatrist, my father called everyone he knew and asked them to persuade me not to be a psychiatrist. I understand now why he did what he did. Being a psychiatrist is a tough path, takes a toll on you and otherizes you in certain ways. At the same time, it is a great gift to have that type of intimacy and vulnerability with those who choose to seek your support and to build a relationship and treatment plan together. I have treated thousands of patients over the course of my career and it has truly been an honor and privilege. I am very grateful to each of them for all they have taught me about the human condition and for the relationship we shared.

I feel the knowledge of human nature I have gained as a psychiatrist has helped myself, my loved ones, my patients and community and I am grateful for that.

Healing helps restore our strength, resilience, compassion, energy, patience and perspective. It is a huge gift to yourself and others to devote your time and energy to heal.

I am in therapy and I find it helps me recover myself, my memories, my relationships, my humanity. Therapy helps me not feel like just a cog in the production machine. I agree with the saying “What is broken in relationship must be healed in relationship.”

I am grateful to have had some fantastic therapists and have learned different things from each one. I have reached out to them when I felt I needed support and/or help adjusting my perspective.

Due to stigma, some may think it is a weakness to go to a therapist. I strongly disagree and tell my patients that Olympic athletes, the best athletes in the world, need coaches. We live in a time when therapy and medication are readily available. Why not get the help you need?

As a psychiatrist, I see that neurodiversity carries gifts. There is a reason why these genes persist in the population. Per Dr. Kay Redfield Jamison, individuals with bipolar disorder are often very creative, have higher verbal fluency (e.g., able to produce more synonyms more quickly) and are more likely to be poets than the average person. Individuals with ADHD can think big picture and out of the box more easily and also do well in high adrenaline situations (e.g., ER physicians/crisis responders). Individuals with anxiety are often more detail oriented and conscientious.

If it’s hard to carve out the time in your schedule, you could do telehealth sessions to save on driving time. I encourage you to give therapy a try and see how it goes.

Who should go to therapy? Anyone who could benefit. You don’t have to be totally distraught and depressed. You don’t have to be at a certain point on the scale of suffering to qualify. You could go if you feel you would like someone objective, outside of your friend/family/work orbit to discuss some of the issues you are facing in your life. You could go if you are feeling tired and would benefit from some support.

Would you like to unburden your heart from some secrets you are carrying or trauma you have experienced? Would you like someone to talk to whom you can tell anything and it will be confidential and will not impact your relationships with others if you tell them?

Some people are in therapy just to cope with the people in their lives who really need to go to therapy, but won’t ever go.

If doing it for yourself is not sufficient motivation, please consider doing it to help heal your children and future generations.

As Terry Real says “Family dysfunction rolls down from generation to generation, like a fire in the woods, taking down everything in its path until one generation has the courage to turn and face the flames. That person brings peace to their ancestors and spares the children that follow.”

If your children would benefit from mental health support, I encourage you to send them to therapy. It is a wonderful resource for a child to have a trusted adult who is not their parents, with whom they can share their concerns.

Sometimes children want to protect their parents from their worries, to process things on their own before sharing them with their parents, are worried about being judged and/or their friends being judged by their parents, so it’s helpful for them to have another trusted adult to speak to.

Here are some general NAMI NJ resources and principles of support. NAMI also has a youtube channel with various webinars. Mc Lean Hospital has an excellent library of mental health webinars you can watch on demand as well.

You can attend free meetings virtually and/or in person at Alcoholics Anonymous AA or Narcotics Anonymous NA. If you are not a fan of 12 step programs, here are some other options: https://moderation.org, https://recoverydharma.org, and https://smartrecovery.org

If you have a loved one who abuses substances, you can attend AlAnon or NarAnon. If you are a child of an alcoholic or of a dysfunctional family, you can attend free meetings at Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families ACA.

Many know that tobacco and obesity increase the risk of cancer, but most people don’t know that alcohol is the third most frequent preventable cause of cancer. Alcohol increases the risk of seven types of cancer according to the US Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy. Alcohol increases cancer by altering DNA, proteins and cells, increasing inflammation, changing hormonal composition and increasing the absorption of carcinogens.

Per the report, “The more alcohol consumed, the greater the risk of cancer. For certain cancers, like breast, mouth, and throat cancers, evidence shows that this risk may start to increase around one or fewer drinks per day.”

I recommend yoga and meditation to my patients, particularly those with anxiety.

I encourage you to take advantage of the resources available and stop suffering in silence. You are not alone. I encourage you to be kind to yourself. I am a big fan of Tara Brach. She is a psychologist and meditation teacher. I listen to her when I go for walks so I am simultaneously getting exercise and a psychological and spiritual massage. She often shares entertaining stories in her talks. Here is an adapted version that I often share with my patients.

There was a man at a grocery store and he saw a grandma with her grandchild. The grandchild was throwing a tantrum and the grandma would say very calmly and soothingly, "It's ok, Cindy. Don't worry. Everything is ok. We'll be home soon." He saw them at the checkout line and again the child was flailing around and loudly misbehaving and the grandma said, "We're almost there, Cindy. Everything is ok. We'll be in the car soon." He came up to her at the parking lot and said, " You are a really amazing grandmother. I am so impressed by your patience and kindness. Your grandchild is so lucky to have a grandmother like you." The grandma answered, "I'm Cindy. This little terror is Jennifer."

I encourage you to treat yourself with great kindness and compassion, and when you are suffering, do the most loving and kind thing you can for yourself. If you are open to therapy, I really encourage you to give it a try.

I am often surprised by the lack of self-compassion in many of my patients. I believe that all people have inherent value and so do many of the patients I see, but despite believing that, they somehow feel that their personal value hinges on their achievements and others’ opinions of them.

Many are encouraged to hide their vulnerability for fear of not being good enough, which makes them feel like frauds and inadequate since they need to put on a front in order to be accepted. Have you heard of impostor syndrome? I like the sayings “You shouldn’t compare your insides to other people’s outsides. It’s not a fair comparison” and “Comparison is the thief of joy.”

Our culture makes many of us feel unworthy. Being human is acceptable and valuable. Our limitations help us have compassion and understanding for others. Accepting your vulnerability will allow you to manifest even more of your strengths. If you have any time, I recommend that you watch this TED talk by Brene Brown and read her book The Gifts of Imperfection. Accepting and embracing our imperfection sets us free and accelerates our growth. Here are some great self compassion exercises from Dr. Kristin Neff.

As my wise, retired therapist friend Carol Tracy said, “by sharing our own struggles, by being open to our own humanity and vulnerability, we can connect with the pain and conflicts of others, in ways that lets them know we do understand and they are not alone. And in the end, I do believe that what unites us is the deep wish to be known and understood by another. I tell my clients that when they are (hopefully) 90 years old and on their deathbed, they are not going to be thinking about that "B" they got in college, or how much they weighed when they were 23 or any of the other things we criticize ourselves about, but rather, who and how did I love, and did I let them know.”

I also appreciate this quote from Dr. Devika Bhushan, “Real self care involves the hard work of setting boundaries, cultivating our muscles of self-compassion, and getting clear on the values that determine how we want to live - not just on our goals themselves. This allows ‘our insides to match our outsides.’”

My favorite joke is “Q: How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Only one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.”

This is so true! If you want to change, I encourage you to go to therapy. If you want your loved ones to change, encourage them to go to therapy. If they don’t want to change, my favorite saying is “You can’t shake a rose into bloom.”

If your loved one doesn't want to go to therapy, I encourage you to go so you can learn how to cope with them more easily and provide them with a good example of self-care. There are also some resources here for how to approach loved ones with no insight into their mental illness.

My mother Saroja Ilangovan M.D., who has been a longtime NAMI volunteer, shared that if you have a loved one with mental illness, please be as kind and compassionate to them as possible. They did not ask to be born with a mental illness and they are doing what they can to cope with their situation. If we are kind and accepting, our loved ones are more likely to feel valued and be engaged in their treatment. If we are critical, our loved ones are more likely to be withdrawn and disengaged in their treatment.

May you seek the support that is readily available and enter a space where you feel seen, valued and heard. I like the saying “Hurt people hurt people. Healed people heal people.” We need all the healers we can get in our heartbreaking and beautiful world.